omegametaknight ([info]omegametaknight) wrote,
@ 2004-10-12 16:24:00
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Current music:Billy Talent-River Below

DEAR LORD, MORE POETRY FROM THAT PSYCHO?!
That's right, other crazy voice in my head, I'VE WRITTEN MORE POETRY.

I made this one today, I am cursing my shyness and whatnot...but...not really, but that is what I was doing in my head when I was writing this saying that there was no way I could gain the courage to ask this girl to go somewhere sometime with me and hope to forge some sort of relationship...erm...yes...

Love's Inferno

One temptation,
And you'll burn,
One demonstartion,
And you'll yearn,
For a harmonous sound...

From the darkness,
You will flee,
Burn in the inferno,
You and me,
And the dark dissonance resounds...

The rain falls,
Yet it burns,
I'm the Dark One,
You will meet,
And the inferno we will be bound...

I'm insane,
I'm all powerful,
Join my side and you will never fall,
I am dark,
I'm twisted,
But I'm not heartless and you will see it...

Plunge into,
The hot flames,
Before the,
Demons cause you pain,
And the dissonance grows louder...

Welcome to,
My inferno,
Where I can say that I love you,
And you can't,
Escape me,
I just hope you don't hate me,
Don't shun me,
I will know,
One word and we will all burn...

So stay here,
In the dark,
So we can,
Never be apart,
And begins the harmonous sounds...

Hellfire,
And love's sweets,
Black Darkness,
And you with me,
This is Love's Inferno,
So let us burn...

...And that's it for now.


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[info]guitarthrashed
2004-10-12 03:51 pm UTC (link)
Hmm, critic time. Ok where to start, first off I am only doing this because I hate how no one ever comments on mine and when they do it is never constructive, always "OMG THIS IS AWESOME!!!". Ok now that that's over *cracks knuckles*. Ok this one is gonna be challenging, first off I like some of your words choices. Second, no offense but your flow sucks, you need some damn flow man. Reading your poem is like reading the lyrics to a William Shatner song alright :P. I suggest using a different structure when you write. Next, know what YOU are writing about at all times, it almost seems like you forgot what you were writing about, and then remembered, then forgot again. So always know what the poems meaning is. Once again I must reiterate the flow, flow is needed in any poem good or bad, or it might as well be a piece of prose. You are also trying to hard to make this poem dark and make yourself seem modern gothic and dark as well, you gotta just spew it all out man, don't try, let your inner poet do all the talking. I'm done for now.

(Reply to this)


[info]omegametaknight
2004-10-13 11:33 am UTC (link)
To tell you the truth, I never actually tried to make it sound dark and gothic and modern...modern actually never came into my mind. That is sorta what came out. But I will admit that I do think my flow sorta sucks, and I am trying to work on that. And I never at one point forgot what I was trying to write, so if you would point that out to me perhaps I can tweak that a bit.

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[info]guitarthrashed
2004-10-13 02:40 pm UTC (link)
I shall explain all in pm/im sometime.

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